i miss you

this is fitting as it's the last day of august...

and august for me is my "grief" month...
and I didn't grieve as I usually do...
it's been a little bit bottled this month compared to other years...
perhaps i don't want to feel it all again.

my eldest brother died in a farm accident when I was 14.
he was 25.
he never got to meet his niece and nephew.
he didn't get to meet my partner.

one day he was there, the next he was not.

it felt like for a long time that there was someone missing in the family.
I feel so glad that I'm one of five kids and thus still had another brother and two sisters when he was gone.
He was born with cerebral palsy, and suffered brain damage at birth...
he was a champion though, and never thought of things as limitations...
he was an athlete and a farmer...

The hole is mending bit by bit... but when I think of it... it hurts all over again.

The accident is in my memory, but it still is painful.

sigh

I miss his blue eyes
and him bringing home big paper bags of "teeth" lolly
and his turquoise car
his throaty laugh
and grin

But... I am immensely grateful that I had the pleasure of being his sibling.
That I knew him.
That I got to be a part of his journey

Wherever you are Clinty
I miss you
and love you

We all do.