I was driving home in the car,
the sky dark apart from a gloaming full belly of moon.
I was feeling anger,
great anger at some friends whom I felt had in some way wronged me.
In my head the accusations flocked
and flew. All the ways
I wanted to be right
assimilated.
I kept a score card in my head, ticking off the buttons they had pressed,
and the confirmations of my self limiting beliefs on love.
That people would fall out of love with me. Tick.
That I could not trust. Tick.
That friendship meant pain and hurt. Tick.
The humanness took so much over me that I bubbled and gasped for air.
So I asked myself a simple question:
What do you want?
The words fled back:
I want them to know I am hurt and why I am hurt and how they have hurt me and I don't want to feel this pain again.
But what is it that you truly want?
And then my Spirit spoke:
I want to love them. I want to love them. I want to just love. I want to love unconditionally. I want to love without rules and hurt and pain. I want to offer love to them, as natural an energy flow as a breeze in spring time. It hurts me to hold back love. I want to love them.
I am learning. I am growing. I am learning to hear what I truly want, under all the hurt. Cutting off love was tearing the nose from my face.
And I am learning to release that hurt to make way for the healing.
As it often does, my body is learning the same lesson at the same time as my soul. Throughout the last week I have had strong neck and back pain. Yesterday a physiotherapist played magic hands on me to wiggle out most of the stiffness, but some pain remains. I am learning to take breaks to stretch and release it away, but I find myself on some level wanting to hold on to it.
Some days I hold on to my hurt like it is a medallion of war, a scar which shows I have suffered this life. Some days it feels safer to feel achy (I know this is not true). Sometimes I hold onto pain because it gives me an excuse to take time out (I find it difficult to call time out otherwise).
The call for spirit, love and healing is growing. In the mists of pain, I feel the longing to return to the Avalonian place of peace.
Home
my spirit calls.
Return to love.
love,
Leonie
7 comments:
Leonie, this is such a beautiful picture. So strong.
Your words make me think...
Good!
Very... very beautiful.
Girl... you are learning.
I like this post... SO VERY MUCH.
Thanks.
Bx
oh, leonie
for a lot of mye life i have looked around and felt further ahead in soul years than most around me. i felt alone & not "gotten".
i read an entry like this + i am coMforted that i know someone as BIG as You.
i was sick of being/feeling like I was the BIGGest soul in the room.
you are a model / an example of how big One can BEEEE.
And I know that there is infinite exPANSe beyond U !!
My body just isn't caught Up yet*
i looooove this line (it's similar to a sab. ward harrison line> loving small doesn't protect me ----something close to that):
"it hurts me to hold back love."
HOly, do I hear THAT one.
from ONE deeply awake woman to another====
Love that picture....Gorgeous!
Ah yes, I can relate this one.
A continual battle to transend those first childish thoughts that pop into our heads when we feel hurt and wronged. But you already have insight to move past them, brilliant girl :)
Blessed to have met you last Sunday and so looking forward to next time.
Lots of love
Jodes
isn't it wonderful that the answer to all those questions is "love"?
just *love* them.
mmmmm.
and i love you!
honey, these words and your process are so beautiful. you are so right that love is what will cure your hurt. the love you give to yourself and the empathy you give to others will close your wounds in time, dear, in time. to be in love with the truth is not easy when you begin. but eventually, you cannot help it. and it never hurts to love the deep, unaltered truth. you are so loved.
xoxoxo p
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