dreams of opening

Had dreams upon dreams last night

I was with friends in one dream, friendships from the past who still radiate in the present. And we were sitting at a table, laughing, chatting.
Another friend walks by. She too, is a friendship from the past, but is one that has fallen from the table by the weight of time and distance.
And she looked sad and lost and didn't understand and just didn't look like herself.
She ran down to the beach, and I followed, trying to get her to see why I had to let go of holding the glass ball of friendship if the weight wasn't shared.
And when I awoke, I realised it doesn't really matter in the end. Do you know what I mean?
There could be years lost when a person thinks the glass ball is shattered, when it isn't.
I'm still holding the ball within the folds of my cloak.
It doesn't shine like it used to, but it has the potential to.
I don't want to get to the end of my life, whenever that may be, and think to myself that things could have been better.
I don't want rifts to still exist, without me reminding:
I am still here. I still love you. Friendships are ephemeral.
I don't want to live with anything but an open heart.
The rest of my life, I live with a heart opening, and loving.
And it pains me that in this instance I don't.
I harbour grief, and pain, and yes, some anger.
I'm going to change that.
Yup.
Coz it's not really about who did what or who's to blame.
It's not about "but they did this..." and keeping score.
It's about being your best self.
It's about treating each day as it's most precious.
Not thinking that the years themselves will mend these things...
because we may not have years.
And do I really want to lose years because of a closed heart?
Nope. Hell no.
I am not really sure what the response will be, when I re-extend my hand.
Silence? Perhaps.
A half hearted extension back, only to fall into old habits? Perhaps.
Or, joy upon joy, a rain which renews a whole garden of roses? Perhaps.
The response isn't what I am doing this for though.
Hope of hope, I hope it is the renewing of gardens, but it may not be.
What's more important is how I live my life ~
with an open hand of cards, a visible heart,
loving even in silence.
Love is all that we really have, isn't it?
And these connections that we make with other people ~
they are the gold threads of our life.

I love you all, dearly.
Leonie