grace

.



so many changes afoot.
one of the more difficult changes has been discovering my eyesight had once again gotten weaker...

on Monday night I began a trial of new contacts that I sleep in overnight that reshape my eye. This will enable me, hopefully, within a week or so to wear no glasses or contacts during the day - only my nightime contacts.
They also should help my eyesight remain more stable. I need to wear the lenses every night, otherwise my vision will return to normal within 24 hours. In the meantime, it is making for some interesting times as I adjust.

I awake Tuesday morning, my first day in the North.
(You can read about the Four Directions at my delish friend Juliana's site.)

And I awake with new eyes. Eyes that have changed. Eyes that are no longer the same.

I saw my optometrist first thing in the morning, and had another map taken of my eyes. They are changing shape slowly. At the moment, I still do not have correct vision.

I asked the optometrist:

"so what do I do during the day? how am I going to see? do i just wear my normal glasses?"

He says "no - your glasses are too strong for you now."

What an amazing thing to be told. I've never been told that before.

And now, I am in a strange limbo land of eyesight. I wear weaker and weaker contact lenses with each day as my eye changes.

It is difficult to adjust to wearing lenses having never worn them before.
It is difficult to learn to live with putting them on and off my eye.
It is difficult because I want to keep reaching for my glasses because I am comfortable with them, even though my eyesight is fading in them.

I feel so NAKED without my glasses. I feel like my eyes and face are very *seen*

It is difficult because even if I wanted to, I *can't* move backward.

I can't just say "no, bugger this, it's too frustrating/uncomfortable, I'm just going to take them out now and have my normal sight back." It will take me at least 24 hours of taking out my lenses before wearing my glasses again while my vision goes back to normal.

So I have to keep moving forward. Literally, and emotionally. I have to keep facing my fears of the future and of sticking stuff in my eye.

I bought a Louise Hay book "You can Heal your life"

I repeat affirmations that I am safe and divinely guided as I put my contact lenses in and out (a rather stressful part of my day for me).

I have to accept this great uncomfortability and lack of familiarity, as I *see* the bigger picture of better eyesight. I have to put myself out of my comfort zone in order to heal.

and it is one of the biggest challenges i have faced...
getting two high distinctions for uni was EASY compared to this.
this calls on every part of my being. i am coming up against so much fear, pain and anger. i battle each day with myself. there are parts of me that want to BLAME my eyesight for being so bad. parts that want to throw the contacts across the room after half an hour of trying to put them in. sadness rises in my belly.
i want so much to be gentle with myself, love myself, be kind to my eyes...
i am seeing new parts of myself with clarity. new parts which need healing.

The big insights for me in this are courage, patience, grace and moving forward.

blessings are abound,
even when they are more difficult to *see*

love,
Leonie