favourite words

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"Cream colored ponies and crispapple strudel
Doorbells and sleighbells and schnitzel with noodles
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings
These are a few of my favorite things."
~ My Favourite Things. you know the song.

I've had such a BIG week.
As hormonal as a pregnant woman.
I JUST WANT TO GET THIS BABY OUT
but at the same time wanting to clasp it near. Hold it.

I've been GENTLE this weekend.
Gentle gentle.
I took Lena and Deb's advice.
I bought Lindt 70% chocolate.
I curled up on the couch.
I let things be as they were.
I did not push for answers.
I felt revelations unpeeling.
Every moment was/is a choice to feel fear - build walls OR let it go. Breathe.
Imbue angst with forgiveness, compassion and love to myself.

"These are the days that must happen to us."
~ Walt Whitman.

Yesterday I got three parcels in the mail ~
"messy thrilling life" by sabrina ward harrison from musical dreamer.
a moleskine notebook from Cinzia in Italy.
"spilling open" also by sabrina ward harrison and GORGEOUS handmade creative goddess womyn jewellery from gail and kristiana.

beautiful beautiful parcels.
gail and kristiana wrote on the back of their envelope their FAVOURITE THINGS.
i so adored it. i've put it here to share with you all.

it inspired me to go back to basics this weekend.
sit in the sun because i like to.
eat chocolate before 10am.
read.

i started and finished reading
:spilling open: yesterday and this morning.
it is truly an experience.
i feel it came at exactly the right time.
to read the first book of a young artist and writer.
to see her story develop.

it was like watching someone be pregnant, and have their baby,
all the while being book pregnant myself.

hmmmm.
i'm not sure if i can articulate all my inner movements.
i only know they are. they exist, they continue.

i'm doing the hard ground. just as i need to.

i told maitri that the book baby's head is appearing.
i am preparing and opening.

and my hand is held, soothed by many things.
by chris. he knows me.
by playing ball with charlie.
by chocolate and good books.
by parcels in the post.
by beautiful friends. deb who is strength and beauty. lile who sits in the toilets with me when i am messily emotional. lena who emails me ~ be gentle loney ~ wear shawls and watch the sky. adam who writes to tell me to slay the crappy emotions, or compromise with them.
by the re-connection in recent days with my first best friend, Jade. for someone to know you and love you when you were 11, and still love you when you are 22 is a remarkable feat.

this has been all a part of the process,
i know this.
and i am grateful for it. there is lightness, and there is darkness.
there is grieving, and there is celebration
there is death of old parts that don't work anymore.
and there is birth.

birth of a new me.
birth of a book.