felt really freaking crabby today. CRABBY.
over nothing and everything. anything.
questioning.
why am i feeling all of this
should i feel angry
should i say why i'm feeling angry
what if i come off as being too intense
what if this is all MY own stuff
just plain messy
i think it's difficult sometimes - once you accumulate some tools for life,
but then have no idea when to apply one or the other.
for example -
on one hand {the feminist, emotional side}, i should be allowing myself to feel the way i do, and to SPEAK my TRUTH about it. {but what if i'm not sure what the truth is?}
on the other hand {which is meditative, buddhist}, i shouldn't be paying so much damn attention to my feelings. i should find peace in every.moment.
it's kinda like a case of not-sure-what-religion-i-should-be-today.
ever get that?
i meet chris after work to drive home.
I'M CRABBY, i announce.
he lets me sit in my crabbiness.
we get home, and i rush to go to bellydancing class.
he wraps me up in a dance to "Beautiful Girl" by INXS.
I thank him for putting up with my crabbiness,
and he only laughs and says:
any time.
i get the feeling he means it.
in the car to bellydancing,
i say it outloud:
I FEEL REALLY CRABBY
somehow, it feels better to just say it out there.
not cover it up. just let it be heard by the grey sky.
and i belly dance (even though i felt too crabby to dance)
and i dance it out,
until my mind isn't whirring with questions
and failures and sadness and letdowns {perceived or otherwise}.
it is just stretching and shimmying and working out how to move my hips without jangling my arms.
i'm not sure what religion i am today.
some days i wish i had the answers to it all,
that i got it given to me in one nicely bundled package,
and i could just call it one thing. i'd know exactly what tool to use and when.
when to speak, when to stay silent.
but i don't think i signed up for the religion package deal when i came to earth.
i think i'm here for the smorgasboard. the buffet. i may even eat from stalls on street corners.
i don't think i'm always going to know the answers, and they aren't going to be all found in one book, one meal, one religion.
it's an adventure to find it. piece by piece, the scavenge hunt of my spirituality comes together.
and i have to believe that being crabby,
is as divine as lesson as being happy.
3 comments:
Oh, Leonie. Thank you so much for your crabby honesty. Thank you for telling us how you told Chris and told yourself the truth about how you were feeling. I'm with you: there are days of more questions than answers, more doubts than assurances. I think that if anyone tells you they "get it" all the time, they are simply not being honest. I didn't sign up for the religious package either. I think faith and spirituality, when they morph into "religion," lose something. Religion, for me, means a lot of rules, exclusions, and easy answers. It means that someone else is measuring your faith and your commitment. Life isn't neat or easy. Life doesn't follow rules, and neither do our souls. There are answers to our queries in the heavens, in the arms and eyes of friends and loved ones, in the movement of one's belly, and in the tears. There are answers in prayer - or else why would every religion include it? There are countless lessons to learn, wonders to see, and tears to shed. It's all part of the divine lessons that we are to learn in this life. The journey is long, Leonie. The adventures are many. Enjoy the smorgasbord. Be filled with joy and crabbiness - each in turn. So I encourage you to keep seeking the right path, keep asking the tough questions, keep telling the truth. Answers will come. Along with more questions. Please remember that you are not alone on the road. You are not alone in the confusion. You are not alone in the amazement at it all. You are not alone. Grace and peace, Gail
You spoke of something that has been eating at me for weeks but I did not have the clarity to write about.
I call it the internal clash of religions...so many influences from different faiths but often they do conflict which is tricky.
Peace to you my earth angel...
See ya next week!
xx
AAAAARGH! You nailed it, girl. Is it a bug going around? Is it in the moon, the stars, the planets? More questions than answers, alright! And I am enjoying the smorgasbord metaphor immensely! You couldn't have put it more accurately, hun.
Here's to having great big buffets in these ~ our grand and messy lives! Woohoooooooooooo...*cough-cough*barf*! Oops. :-p
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