one down in the cubicle of joy...

.
a traumatic day in the office.
first e~bear got stuck in a lift for 20 minutes with 12 strangers.
she called me on her mobile, and i told that she would have a great time if only she could encourage everyone to sing Kumbaya in harmony, and then they could all share life stories, learning much about each other and inevitably about themselves. i was kind of excited for her, if the truth be known. [i'd love to be go on soul journeys in broken lifts with strangers.]
i think e~bear was more concerned about claustrophobia.

then we all watched, horrified and transfixed, as our much loved cubicle goldfish mascot appeared very ill... before giving his last little fishy wriggle... and becoming a goldfish angel.
thus followed a funeral ceremony conducted by our wonderful boss robynne,
then a vale, an obituary, and a wake.

phew. a big day at the office.

and even though it sounds silly,
we really are going to miss that fish.
and i really started to believe in my uber~meaningful obituary.

VALE: Jose Fernandez Goldfin
(8/4/2005 - 31/5/2005)


We even made Jose a security pass card.

"We come together today to celebrate the life of our dear friend, Jośe Fernandez Goldfin.
He passed away earlier this morning after a short illness. Good friends were by his side as he began his transcendence to a new plane of existence. José was a valuable member of our team.

You can make all the sushi jokes you like, but at the end of the day, Jose had a luminous spirit which shone sweetly in the Cubicle of Joy.
I'd like to tell you the story of how Jose came into our lives. Me and Jose's spirit mother, Lile, went to the pet store and peered into the great glass chasm of goldfish orphans, just waiting to be claimed. As soon as we saw Jose, we knew he was "The One." He was brave, he was spunky, he was Jose the God incarnated and he knew it.
Two months of blissful harmonious joy followed. He was one of us.
We have been profoundly touched by his life, and his journey onwards into the great oceanic divide. We owe him a great debt of gratitude and place our survival of work on his strong, peaceful presence.

There was many times I sat by his tank, gazing into the still waters of his tank, and my soul was rested by Jose's ability to encapsulate Tao and Zen.
He listened to our woes. He stared unblinkingly into the void, and flapped his fins gaily at the mere thought of being alive.
We have so much to learn from him. We were blessed by his presence, his friendship and the way he loved without attachment.

A private burial ceremony has already taken place.
Pastor Jorm has kindly supplied chocolates for Jose's wake, and his request is that mean sushi-joke makers are denied access to the bounty."


sometimes you don't know whether to cry or laugh,
so you just do both. all at once.
jose would have wanted it that way.

if i was a graffiti artist...

.


my graffiti would look something like this...

i like to call it

"if goddesses ruled the world"

it's a photo of part of the aussie Parliament House,
which makes the picture even funnier for me :D

thankums to my hunky hairy one for this ;)

the task*master & her tribe

.

my tribe.

Last Friday a bunch of us tribe went and had thai for lunch.
me, lile, e~bear, ben, andrea, dave and deb.
Being the task*master that I am, and a creative hard~ass,
I set them a task to do...

"Sometimes enlightenment isn't found, it's won.

I want you all to get three post-it notes.
On each, start with these lines
"I want to be brave enough to..."
"The thing that touches my heart most is..."
"I am a very lucky person because…”

The deeper you write, the more you will get out of it. Treat this as an experiment.

>>>>Trust me<<<<"

So that's what we did. What we all did.

We wrote whispers of truth on post~its, folded them into my pink hat of joy.
[the pink hat of joy is a ridiculously large & pink beany cap i have... modelled below by the marvellous lile...]



Then over thai, we each plucked random notes from the hat and read them aloud.
I was fascinated by the responses: the brave ones, the funny ones, the touching ones.

Dave asked me why I set the task.
Why indeed.
Because I want to move into D E E P E R ways of connecting.
Because I believe that we can make the choice to step outside of the box of "normal communications" and add creative, daring activities to our gatherings.
That we decide how we want our friendships to be, how we wish to interact.

And most of all,
"the thing that touches my heart the most is connecting with other spirits."
being brave enough to reveal my underbelly,
and gentle enough to see others.




i am entirely grateful for this tribe of mine
open, colourful, thought provoking buggers they are.

b&w and all in between...

.


i've been taking a lot of black and white photos lately
it just feels more honest
my life is all shades of grey at the moment
not sadness grey but the grey of all colours
b&w makes you be aware
it lets you see the textures
some days i just want to roll around in film and
make love to the textures...

preciousness

.

another street art sticker. canberra civic, 2005

"I don't know how I'm going to change.
I don't know how it will change me.
That's part of the mystery of walking,
is that the destination is inside us
and we really don't know when we arrive until we arrive."
~ John Francis

Go read the story of John Francis here ~ a man who gave up speaking and cars for 17 years.
I wonder how much he SAW and HEARD in those years of walking and listening.

The brilliant Keri summed up her musings on him brilliantly.


other scrummy web finds...

:: Queen Things
:: Seth Wheeler
:: Awesome John Copeland journals
:: The Meatrix doco ~ v important!
:: Crying while eating ~ hilarious in a strange way.


be kind to yourselves and each other.
D E E P E N the connections you have.

love,
Leonie

many voices in the one story...

.


had a sublime lunch hour today with wonderful friends.
on the way back, some of us had an impromptu photo shoot.

what i love about the above photo is that it is a great group shot
but when you cut it up ~ each individual portrait was strong.

reminds me of the quote:
"It takes a thousand voices to tell a single story" ~ Native American wisdom.

Just as it takes each of us to be ourselves within the grander story of life.


i heart deb.


dave, mirror and philosophical discussion buddy.


lile~flower and e~bear, cubicle buddies

babies and bus friends

bus friends rob and di

"Making the decision to have a child - it's momentous.
It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside your body."
~ Elizabeth Stone

a delightful ride home in the bus this afternoon
catching up with dear bus friends rob and di and james.
a big big big congratulations to rob, and his wifey michelle who are *expecting* the pitter patter of feet.
I was deliriously joyful at his news and leapt across the seat to hug him.
I like to call it a *crashtacklehug*

His news set off tales of all things baby...
james whipped out his mobile to let us listen his ringtone: his 3 year old daughter Sophie giggling wildly.
di shared her "poo on the wall" story which involves her and her twin as toddlers redecorating their house with the contents of their nappies.

*gigglesnort*

how i love these serendipitous spurts of silliness and sharing on public transport.
i am grateful.


me and james. our bus friendship extends back two years~! yay team us!

planet sark down

.

buildings can be motherships too...

yep... our dear planet sark mothership is having a rest at the moment...
if you're looking for a place to chat ~ make yourself at home on the couches of the LeonieLife Community boards here.
nonetheless it's an interesting process... to be without our central stomping grounds,
connections are held in other ways.

~~~

"St Theresa's Prayer

May today there be peace within. May you trust your highest
power that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received,
and pass on love that has been given to you.
May you be content knowing you are a child of God.
Let this presence settle into our bones,
and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.
It is there for each and everyone of you."

~ a scrummy email find

pain is growing

.


it's like this you see
every day lately
i come up against things
old stuff and old pain
in new circumstances

i'm
becoming
more
conscious

all the usual "old stuff"
:: about people
:: about anger
:: about dealing with others
:: about perfectionism
:: about feeling ordinary and afraid

what's different about it now
is that i'm aware of it
i'm starting to see that there are different ways
if only i let go of the old ways
and start feeling with my heart
start today with the way I would like to be
not the prickly way that I have been in the past

i realised today that all my pain, all my discomfort, all my aching
it's G R O W I N G
its me seeing what's working
what isn't
and to do something about it

walking to uni this afternoon i began
thinking of my body with love
sending love to each atom
and i realised that i felt more loved within me
that i'd react differently to others
if i acted out of this love inside me

each day is a new chance
to get it right
balance and tenderness and self loving

this is my walk
my journey
my life
and everyday it is
MY CHOICE
how i choose to be, act, re-act, think and love.

i walk this one with love.

an adventure in images and words

.


me and chris have just celebrated our four year anniversary together...
so we took a little road trip on saturday to see new land east of here ~
we drove out to two little towns ~ bungendore and braidwood and had a delicious day.

here's my journalling from the day...

b u n g e n d o r e

A bookstore - but it is more a tin cottage with unfinished floors and shelves upon shelves of old books. The books overflow into a courtyard & the cottage next door. The air is cold and there are soft round whirls of warmth around the heaters splayed between the books. So many treasures . A 1952 edition of Enid Blyton's "Faraway Tree." The owner sits in the window eating an ice cream and reading a book. Jazz music eeks from the old speakers into the cool air. We leave with smiles.

Over the bookshelves is a leather store filled with all types of Australian additives and an old American woman with grey hair and a Celtic wedding band. She is serious but warm. Chris falls in love with a leather wristband. He chooses it because its design is "more earthy than the rest." I get two stone and leather necklaces ~ a purple quartz spear and a deep green Viking stone.

The Michael Scott Lees photography gallery is across the road. Filled with deep panoramics of Australian landscapes. He looks passionate & smiling in the photos of him - camera clutched in land, in the desert, in the snow.

Another quaint bookstore sits beside. It leads into a calligraphy art gallery.

All these people, all these stories, all the passions & dreams chased.
I can see all these things glowing luminously in our hour at Bungendore.
We are quiet as we drive further east. There is the sweet burnt umber scent of smoke in the air. The sky is blue & cottages (one painted entirely lavendar) with woodstacks peek from the wide landscape of cream barked trees and eucalypt greens. The grass & earth are golden.
This land is the same texture as Heidelberg paintings.

We are quiet, but I know what he is thinking of. He is thinking of the land & the journey. Of shamans & books. Of the curves of the roads, the gentle slopes of the earth. i know this man.

We pass a sign for Community Radio ~ called the "Barbed Wire."

We drive onwards to Braidwood, to its deliciously old bakery with sublime pies.



there are art galleries. paintings with thickly applied paint. torn fabric in frames. delectable jewels. books. i think of seeing my books there.

further down the street an old church lies against a perfect country sky.



i adored the intricate stone of crosses...



we drove back to canberra,
listening to saritah's gratitude grooves.
eating dried fruit and a candy necklace i got from a lolly store.
letting our eyes rest on the horizon.
breathing. just breathing it all in.

two adventuring adventurers... me and chris.

my symphony

.


photo friday's theme this week is GREEN.

"To live content with small means;
to seek elegance rather than luxury;
and refinement rather than fashion;
to be worthy, not respectable; and
wealthy, not rich; to study hard, think
quietly, talk gently, act frankly; to listen
to stars and birds, to babes and sages,
with open heart; to bear all cheerfully,
do all bravely, await occasion, hurry
never; in a word, to let the spiritual,
unbidden and unconscious grow up
through the common.
This is to be my symphony."

~ William Henry Channing

all things aquatic...

.

mermaid dreams. acrylic on paper.

for illustration friday's theme: aquatic.

"Two fish met in the Atlantic Ocean. The first fish said he came from
a part of the sea inhabited by savage sharks. He spent a half-hour
describing his dangers and hardships. Several times he mentioned his
heroic service in saving other fish from sharks. "I don't wish to
appear immodest," the first fish concluded, "but I suppose you could
call me a suffering hero.

The second fish came from a safe and quiet part of the ocean, which he
described to the other fish. He added, "There is no need for heroics
there, for no one ever attacks anyone else. Follow me and I will show
you this peaceful place."

"Don't be foolish," exclaimed the first fish as he swam away. "It
isn't every day you meet a suffering hero."

PEOPLE PREFER THEIR VANITY-BASED IMAGINATIONS ABOUT
THEMSELVES OVER REALITY AND PEACE."

~ Vernon Howard. From the Daily Guru.

deserving loving consciousness...

.

self portrait today in the car. inspired by selfportraitday (via the divine ms scher)

"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection."
~ Buddha

i was thinking this morning in the shower
as i was soaping up with goddess peanut butter soap
i caught myself thinking about a zillion things ~
about work, about uni, about people,
i was thinking about everything except what i was doing

and i thought
what would happen if i was conscious when i took care of my body
how would it feel to think of my body lovingly when i nourished it?

my body is my temple
and yet i rarely mediate on it
my meditation is usually on transcending the body

i want to be more conscious of my body
i want to take care of it and nourish it and think loving thoughts
i want to be kind to my body
thank it for everything it does and is
not subexist in a mass of skin and blood with my mind everywhere else but there.

i talked to my dear friend emelisa a few days ago
and she talked about finally realising that it's gotta be about everything ~ her mind and body and spirit ~ for things to work. and she talked about taking an afternoon paint love messages all over body.

all these things just got me thinking...

thoughts become things...

respond~ability

.






That's the big things I've been coming up against,
screeching "why haven't i learnt this yet?"
learning from, releasing (to a certain degree)
and beginning all over again the next day.

I know it had to happen. It still needs to happen.
To not look outwards for the "yes ~ you're doing the right thing"
To feel instead inside what how I feel about it.
I wrote that I in "how I feel about it" with a great big satisfying CLUNK on my keyboard.

I had the epiphany tonight. I was at my desk, doing a few pages of my journal,
just to declutter my head, and I realised:
I put so many expectations on the outside world to nurture my inside bits.
I shake to my very core when I come across anything that I PERCEIVE to be negative.
I'd like to be stronger in myself, and in my vision, and in my dream.

So, all these fears, and all this tension, and all the miscommunication ~
I am claiming it. I am claiming my responsibility in it.
In allowing my perception to be affected by others, when it didn't need to be.

When I did the above doodles on paint chips, I showed it to my partner,
and said:
What do you think?
Before he could say anything, I closed the book, smiled, and said:
You know, it doesn't really matter what you think. I LIKE IT!

hee hee hee...
I LIKE IT.
So this is me. Claiming my power, claiming my dream, claiming myself.
And claiming my responsibility in nurturing and empowering it.

With love, and awe at this spinning planet, and all that intertwines,
Leonie

honest power

.

cards i picked this week to meditate on...

I'm kinda getting it.
The whole P O W E R thing.
Finding the power in honesty.
In my own truth.
Even if its scary.

I started saying what I really meant a little while ago.
I'm not sure what began it, but I stopped saying the niceties, the things I thought I should say,
and started saying the things I really thought.

I'm only beginning, and it's a process,
it's a journey,
but i already feel how it's changed my innards.
How I feel stronger, braver, in my step.

Things like:

"No, it's not about me at all - I'm only saying this for your good" ~~~ that has turned into:
"Yes, it does annoy me when you do it. And I don't think you're honouring yourself either."

"Yes" into "No" and "No" into "Yes"

Saying "fine" when someone asks me how i am ~~~ if i'm not fine, i say it. i say "i'm actually feeling tender today. but i am glad for it."

Giving people spontaneous hugs even when its inappropriate.

Saying firmly and lovingly: "No more talking about this. Don't bring work home with you in spirit."

Not trying to find other excuses ~ instead just saying: look, i can't afford it right now.

I have been amazed at the power it gives me when I actually say what I mean.
Just an inner calmness, a peace, a gentle and rising power.
Getting closer to what it is my heart speaks.
Finding the truth by letting go of white lies...

we are born as gods and goddesses...

.

me as a four year old; me as a twenty two year old

just wanted to share this with you beautiful people ~
it's a really lovely flash mediation by the daily guru - put your head phones on for it.
it's about four minutes long and very worth it.

we are all born as gods and goddesses...

many blessings to you all,
love,
Leonie

sharpness then gentleness...

.

.
"To live in this world, you must be able to do three things: to love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones knowing your life depends on it; and when the time comes, to let it go."
~ Mary Oliver

Days filled with grasping holding
pulling at stitches to see if you've mended yet
pulling at your own fingers, coaxing them to let go
trying to allow time, breathing to mend
Sharpness then Gentleness
Prickled by my own porcupine needles
the tears come easily and without relief
you listen to alanis morisette
swallow me down
what a jagged little pill

you turn through and you confront
you face and you find
and it's not pretty
but it's real. it's growing.
that uncomfortable, icky, growing
where you question
and you get lost in it all

but you're glad you're there,
in the broad spectrum of things.
you're glad you're searching.
and finding the answers,
slowly,
one by one.

i'm taking my steps gingerly and stumbling
but it is my journey
and i walk it consciously.

everything is a blessing, a gift,
even when i struggle with that...
love is all around,
Leonie

some poetry for you...

HILARY

you are sitting in a tree
the wind blows your hair
your hems
the leaves and grasses
there are bits of sunlight
all over you

~ Michael Dransfield

:: only have 800 words to write on essay on above dude.
:: emotional as buggery. please let this be pms. i'm not normally such a prickly porcupine... surely? hmmmm.
:: want a hug from deb, maitri or clarity right about now. or my ma.
:: i'm so very hard on myself. i feel like i've failed, and i'm not really even sure what it is that i've failed.

**
chris just walked in as i sat crying at my laptop
he asked me how i felt and i said:
i feel like having a big bawl. over nothing.
so he said:
we've got a gym ball. how about having a big green ball instead of a big bawl?
and ridiculously enough, it worked.
i went out to the living room
lay on my belly on our big green ball
played with charlie
and i feel right again.
funny, isn't it?

the moment passes when you're busy looking the other way.

Happy Birthday Lisa Marie!

.


A very big HAPPY BIRTHDAY
to my dear friend Lisa Marie.
We became friends in August last year ~ first through the SARK board,
then through reading each other's blogs...
then we started emailing, and sending letters,
sent video and cassette letters,
talked on the phone.

even though we live on opposite sides of the globe,
lisa marie is such a dear friend of mine.

reasons i adore LMB :

:: her poetry is incredible. it's even more incredible when you hear her read it.

:: her sweet sweet heart. sweet sweet sweet. like, if we were five together, i know that we'd hold hands on the swings, and she would share her lollies.

:: her courage. the way she faces her life, and all of its truths. the way she says YES, and the way she says NO. i honour her unravelling, and i honour the painting of her life.

:: her consciousness. how she feels herself. listens carefully to the voice inside.

:: the way she steps out into the world. my name is lisa marie, and i am a wildflower growing.



i love you lmb,
happy birthday darling.

mountains love,
leonie

you can...

.


i don't want to be told i can't do it.
i don't want to explore the possibilites of failure.
i don't want to hear all the maybe's and but's.

i will heed the call of my heart
and i will just DO it
with nothing but belief in myself
and faith in this universe

i've chosen my path of freedom and adventure and dream~chasing
and i don't want the nay~saying.

my mantra is
YES.

simply,
sublimely,
YES.


~~~

surfing treasures ~

:: the incredible story of THE LIGHT

:: learning daily illustration

:: story people

:: the jemal show

:: 43 things

:: lama surya das' blogger

I'm blog of the day!

over at Blog of the Day
woo hoo!

chosen

.


i was walking along today
in the ripe afternoon light
trying to make my mind up
if i was choosing the right thing.

and as i walked down the hill
my shadow fell on the golden leaves
and i gasped ~
the way i held my scarf along my arms,
the way my shirt floated out ~
there in my shadow was a goddess in a medieval dress

arms out, i wafted down the rest of the slope
gazing in awe at my shadow
i'm a goddess i'm a goddess i'm a goddess

then, as i walked under the tree (the mother of the fallen leaves),
it dropped its leaves on me
golden leaves falling on my head, my cheek, my feet
i felt blessed

and as i continued walking out from the tree
a gust of breeze collected the leaves
and raced them swirling around my ankles,
walking with me for metres.

there was a voice in my head:
you've been chosen.

all these things ~
:: my shadow :: leaves falling :: leaves following :: words spoken in a soft voice
all these things reassured me. moved my heart two inches to the right.
i knew then. i knew what i needed to know.



abundant autumn magic,
love,
leonie

the poetic autumn

.


"Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are.
Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart.
Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow.
Let me hold you while I may, for it may not always be so.
One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or
bury my face in the pillow, or stretch myself taut, or
raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return."
~ Mary Jean Iron

i don't know why
but autumn is so preciously poetic
that in the afternoons
when the light is ripe and golden
all i can do is inhale the autumn
eat it mouthful by mouthful
with my eyes

leaves larger than my hands
gold yellow orange red
hues between
i imagine them threaded into necklaces
pictured their colours captured in superhero necklaces

when i got home
i dropped my bag
kicked off the boots and suit
dragged on an old tracksuit
ran barefoot into the backyard
camera in hand
just to capture ::the light:: the leaves:: the jet trail::the sunset

as i write now
my toes are snug in purple uggboots
chris is playing his didgeridoo at the other end of the couch
and charlie dog is peering into the didge's end, thoroughly intrigued.

everywhere there is autumn
it touches me and it teaches me
everything changes, nothing stays the same
but all is precious. all poetic. all perfectly now.

YES blessing flower

.


i created this YES blessing flower for my dear friend andrea's birthday today.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANDREA!

I adore her for many reasons ~
:: she is sweet and unassuming
:: when she asks people how they are, she is genuinely interested.
:: she has the most beautiful open heart
:: her aura is the most striking turquoise blue at times
:: her laughter fills rooms
:: she is an elixir of hope, gentleness and warmth

When I painted this, I thought of her. The way she approaches life.
Her beautiful family. The ancestors which surround her.
The way she shares.



i am so very grateful for the beautiful women which surround me, and share the stories of their lives and days.


People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the
sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed
only if there is a light from within.
~ Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

an amazing walk...

.


only 15 minutes
that walk from work to uni
but it was a precious 15 minutes
i imagined that i had someone by the hand who couldn't see the little pieces of perfect beauty which are everywhere
and as i walked i showed them. pointed them out.
i could feel their heart expand.
it was a way of opening and shining a light into my own blindness.

as i walked up the hill
the afternoon light was orange golden
it rippled over the fallen autumn leaves
a hillside of cascading light and leaves

the light at the top of the hill made the sky vivid blue
the lawns became lime green
trees framed the views perfectly
my shadow fell solid on the earth
and everything was perfect

the alternative me...

.


i made my little alternative self with one of those cute generators ~ you can do yours here!

i ended up looking like a peaced out swedish hippy called inga
who likes to yodel in her spare time.

totally accurate
:)

inga ~ my double ~ if you are out there,
drop me a line.
i have a feeling we'd have a lot in common.

chris has made up inga's family ~ she has a wee dog called spoof and a handsome boyfriend called yon. one big happy yodelling swedish family.

My day in pictures...

my parents~in~law are here on holidays.
we wander canberra.

i muse at the bark uncurling from the tree. the way the light refracts through.



a cockatoo flicks overhead in the blue heavens



outside parliament house, the grass is lush and green.



i lay in the grass. my partner and his father wander away to have boys talk.



his mother remains with me, doing her own slow whirly gig dance. she is oblivious to my camera.







later, we sit by the lake.
now it is my turn to be oblivious to the camera.



my day in pictures.
filled with light and composition.
thoughts and energy.
lush grass, blue skies, and a quiet lake.

i bought a new set of cards ~
GODDESS cards by susan seddon boulet



tonight, with a rose scented candle glowing,
my father in law asks for a goddess card.
there is four of us sitting at the table.
i across from my father in law
chris across from his mother.
yin yang
balance
beltaine's union of feminine and masculine.

i shuffle the cards for my father in law.
VENUS. Goddess of love.



he shuffles the cards for me.
VENUS again.

We roar with laughter. Kindred folk.

chris shuffles the cards for his mother.

CHANGING WOMAN.

A native american goddess.

she smiles. it is the one she had chosen in her heart.

she shuffles for him.

another native american goddess.

he reads:

white shell woman is the younger version of changing woman.

laughter again. knowing smiles and glances. they are kindred folk.

and thus.... how our day begins. it peaks, it wanes. and now it softly whispers away into night.

love,
leonie